Well, this should be the first of many columns by me. My only objective is to ramble. Let’s try the shoe on and see how it fits, shall we?

First things first – the new Chris Rock flick “Head of State” features yet another O.R.W. (Olde Rich Whiteys) rapping scene, this time to Nelly’s “Hot In Herre.” How many times can this joke be funny? If we analyze the performance, we may deduce that Rock’s intention is to expose the deeply embedded frustrations and restrictions of the Anglo-American musical experience. Or maybe he just hates rich old people. I’m going with #2…

Are the Cardinals going to win the Central this year? Yes, because the ghost of Darryl Kile is going to mercilessly haunt Jeff Kent until he shaves off his “lucky ‘stache.”

Does anyone want to buy a TI-86 Graphing Calculator? The six button sticks. So does the three. And the + button sticks as well.

There is a candy called Toxic Waste. It is so sour that you will probably crap your pants if you don’t know what you’re doing. I seriously almost got in a car accident because I ate one of these “Hazardously Sour” candies.

I think that back in the early 1900s, people probably got messed up and listened to Charles Ives. Now stoners have Radiohead. I bet that if you play “The Unanswered Question” backwards it sounds just like “Everything In Its Right Place.”

Water is underrated. It’s free, yummy, and the only thing that truly quenches your thirst. Water.

Is just me or is anyone else totally ready for “Reign of Fire II”? Dragons!

Do you think anybody over in Iraq is laughing really hard right now? I mean really hard. Like a can’t stop, side-splitting, hard-to-breathe laugh. I bet there is. But I guarantee he isn’t laughing at any of the ass clowns that Comedy Central is sending over there.

- Dustin Wall